I have to say it. I really have to say it.
Jinseo bit her lip, unable to let the words that followed escape her.
“You said you had something to tell me. Say it.”
Seeing her hesitate, Jiheon urged her. His eyes still held a restless intensity.
It was the gaze of a man burning with a desire he couldn’t bear to leave unfulfilled. It was clear that once he heard her “something to say,” he would certainly move to satisfy his own greed.
Like a mermaid who had lost her voice, she gasped a few times before letting out something completely unexpected.
“……I’m hungry.”
“…….”
It was an out-of-the-blue remark, but it was certainly effective. The gaze that had been fixed on her as if to ensnare her softened.
She had said she wouldn’t eat. Did she change her mind that quickly? Even now, of all times?
Perhaps out of defiance against his questioning look, Jinseo added a few more words.
“I said I’m hungry. I’m hungry. I’m hungry.”
“……Hoo. I wondered why you were skipping meals for once.”
Eventually, surrendering to her nagging, Jiheon got up.
“Fine. Let’s eat. What do you want me to make?”
Jiheon asked as he opened the refrigerator door.
Jinseo scurried over to his side to peek inside. For now, she felt she could manage the smells well enough. She thought kimchi pancakes and chilled radish kimchi broth would be just perfect.
“Kimchi pancakes.”
“Alright. Have a seat.”
Jiheon rolled up his sleeves without hesitation. Although it was her home, he visited so often that he knew where everything was kept. In fact, this small studio apartment kitchen was practically his exclusive domain.
Kimchi pancakes were not a difficult dish for him. After whipping up the batter in no time, Jiheon poured a ladleful onto the oiled frying pan.
*Sizzle.* The sound of the batter hitting the hot oil was already making her mouth water. As if her nausea had been a lie, Jinseo felt hungry, too.
Once he confirmed the underside of the pancake was evenly cooked, Jiheon grabbed the pan’s handle and lifted it. With a snap of his wrist, he flipped the pancake. In the blink of an eye, the golden-brown side was facing up.
“Wow. It’s amazing every time I watch you.”
Jinseo marveled at his technique. As if responding to her praise, he flipped it once more. Another gasp of admiration followed.
A daily life happier than satisfying physical desire. Not that the desire would ever truly vanish, though.
The two sat across from each other at a small table, eating the kimchi pancakes with the radish kimchi broth. It tasted just as good as it looked.
Jiheon, who had been quietly watching Jinseo chew happily, reached out to touch her forehead again.
“How do you feel now?”
“Mm… I’m fine. I was fine from the start.”
With her appetite back, Jinseo changed her mind. Perhaps because the nausea had subsided, she felt a bit more energized. She felt she could even go to the hospital on her own.
*Let’s talk once everything is certain. That’s fine too.*
“I should get going now.”
Not long after they finished the meal, Jiheon stood up.
“Already?”
“Yeah. I have some work to do.”
The excuse about having work was no lie.
Whether the time spent together was short or long, parting with a lover was always bittersweet. But she couldn’t hold onto him for too long.
Jinseo stood up with him and grabbed his coat. Then, while he wasn’t looking, she secretly tucked a mandarin orange into his pocket.
She was about to hand it to him, but…
“Here’s your coat. Thanks for the—”
“What is this?”
Her thank-you never reached its end. A pregnancy test was in his hand.
She had thought she’d hidden them carefully in the desk drawer, but she had failed to properly conceal one of the four.
Jinseo snatched the test from Jiheon’s hand and hurriedly shoved it back into the drawer.
But oh no. That was an even bigger mistake.
Jiheon opened the drawer again. And he found three more tests similar to the one he’d just discovered.
She had planned to tell him after visiting the hospital, but he had found out first.
She couldn’t read a single emotion on his face. His sharp, piercing gaze made her feel dizzy.
“What is this?”
Jiheon asked again. But there was no need to push for an answer. Four tests, and her pale, terrified face—her reaction was a more certain answer than anything else.
The space between Jiheon’s brows furrowed rigidly.
At that moment, his phone vibrated. After checking the name on the screen, Jiheon let out a short sigh and looked back at Jinseo.
As he took a step toward her, Jinseo instinctively took a half-step back. He stepped closer and pulled her into an embrace.
“Don’t worry. Just get some rest for now.”
“…….”
“Let’s talk tomorrow. Okay?”
*Pat, pat.* The low words whispered as he stroked her back felt like a blanket covering her shoulders. Yet, she couldn’t shake her anxious heart. It felt as though once he left, that blanket would be stripped away.
The time of parting was brief. After receiving his coat from Jinseo, Jiheon left immediately. Even his words telling her not to come out felt somewhat lonely to her.
After he left, all sorts of worries cascaded one after another, as expected.
*What if he’s doubting me?*
*What will happen to us? What will happen to me?*
*What will I do if he asks to break up?*
Even though sleepiness washed over her, she couldn’t fall asleep. The day, already past sunset, felt unbearably long.
It was around 11 PM when she heard from him again.
Jinseo, who had been curled up on her bed, jumped at the vibration and answered the call immediately upon seeing Jiheon’s name.
“Hello?”
[Were you sleeping? I’m sorry.]
“Hmm. No, I wasn’t. It’s okay.”
Jinseo cleared her congested throat as she replied, but her lips turned dry in an instant.
[You put a mandarin in my pocket, didn’t you?]
He brought up the mandarin first. Before they parted, Jinseo had tucked a mandarin into his coat pocket. It was a prank she played every so often. Sometimes it was chocolate, sometimes candy.
“Yeah. So you could eat it on your way.”
[It was good. Tasted great.]
“Yeah….”
It was the same trivial conversation they always had, but it wasn’t the topic she had been waiting for, so Jinseo replied listlessly.
Then, Jiheon’s voice layered over her anxiety once more.
[Jinseo-ya. Let’s go to the hospital together.]
“……Huh?”
Her heart sank. Why did he want to go to the hospital together? What did he plan to do there?
[We need to go and get a pregnancy record book, right? Isn’t that it?]
“…….”
[I looked it up, and that’s what it said. They give you something like that after they confirm it.]
Her tension instantly dissolved, and tears welled up in her eyes. She hurriedly covered her mouth to swallow the sob that threatened to burst out.
*I was sure I used contraception, so how did this happen? Was there another man besides me?*
*If you’re pregnant, wouldn’t it be better to give it up?*
She had been terrified, thinking that such words might come out of his mouth.
[I’m sorry.]
But he apologized softly.
[You must have so many things you want to do, and I’m holding you back.]
“I thought you wouldn’t want this.”
To her sorrowful complaint, he spoke as if soothing a child.
[How could I not want it? I’m just sorry toward you.]
They had been physically close, but she had thought their hearts were far apart. Because he was a man stingy with expressing his feelings, there were times she felt hurt.
Hearing him speak so tenderly now felt like her heart, which had been wandering through a rough storm, was being guided into a warm home.
*I’m still very scared, but I’m glad. Glad that this man is a good person.*
[Are you free tomorrow? Let’s meet and talk tomorrow. We’ll go to the hospital together, too.]
“Yes.”
[Is three o’clock okay?]
“Yes. That’s fine.”
[Alright. See you then.]
Jinseo wiped the tears from her eyes and nodded vigorously, as if he could see her right in front of him.
Perhaps having heard her sniffling, he added one more thing.
[You must have been really scared all by yourself.]
This time, she shook her head vigorously.
*No. Now that I’m with you, I’m not scared anymore.*
[Don’t worry about anything tonight and get some sleep. Okay?]
“Yes. Okay.”
By the end, she was able to give a shy smile. For the first time, she thought about the baby. Even though it was something she hadn’t expected.
*If this baby has come to me, I will accept it as a blessing. I will be grateful.*
*I think I can do well. Because I have you.*
She was about to hang up after their final goodbyes, when he called her name again.
[Jinseo.]
My own name, sounding rounded. It was clear and gentle, like the sound of water flowing through mountain ridges carried by the night breeze.
*
Jinseo.
A name as warm as the midday sun, feeling like someone putting an extra layer of clothing on you in the chilly weather. A name that brightened even the darkest of nights.
[Yes?]
She answered, as if wrapping her arms around that clear name.
“Nothing. Sleep well.”
I wanted to say *I love you*, but I saved it. For tomorrow.
After hanging up, Jiheon took a deep breath. I wanted to calm her down steadily, but did my feelings come across?
We had never been careless with contraception. So, there must have been a mistake.
There was one instance that had been vaguely weighing on my mind. I didn’t want to mention it and make her worry more, but it seemed I had only caused her greater confusion.
I was startled, too, but I quickly organized my thoughts.
The conception of a new life can be an arduous journey for some. I heard my mother went to the hospital for a long time trying to give birth to me and then to my younger sibling before finally giving up.
Thus, a child was a blessing. I believed Jinseo, too, deserved to be blessed throughout every step of this process.
As my resolve solidified, I found myself wishing for a healthy pregnancy without any complications. I even pictured the face of a beautiful child who resembled Jinseo.
If that was the case, when the time came for us to go to the hospital together, we had to be a married couple. Even if the marriage registration was a little late, even if the wedding was delayed, I believed we had to be a married couple in our hearts. I wanted her to be able to rely on me completely.
On the way home, Jiheon stopped by a jewelry shop and bought an engagement ring. I couldn’t order it to fit her hand perfectly, but the store clerk said they would adjust the size later if we came back together.
Tomorrow. Yes. Tomorrow.
Thinking of tomorrow’s event made my lips go dry. She might refuse the proposal. She was still a junior in college. She said she wanted to get a job quickly to relieve her mother’s burden. She said she wanted to join an advertising agency and become the best copywriter in Korea.
She was a woman with clear dreams and so many things she wanted to do. Jiheon’s heart ached at the thought that he had become a stumbling block for the woman he loved.
*But, let’s find a way together.*
*‘We’ll be okay. Jinseo.’*
I won’t ruin your dreams. I’ll protect them. I will become a better person.
I never thought I’d spend my life cooking for myself, but meeting Jinseo changed my life. I learned to make a few dishes because she was so adorable—softening like a child at the taste of good food.
Since she ate my cooking so happily, I wanted to be loved more, so I tried even more. When she said a man cooking on TV looked cool, I got jealous and worked even harder, and eventually, cooking became entirely my responsibility.
It was fascinating how my life changed because of her, and before I knew it, I couldn’t live without her. Perhaps marriage was something he had been longing for for a long time.
Jiheon looked at the tangerine Jinseo had put in his pocket with affectionate eyes. I ate one, but for some reason, the other felt too precious, so I brought it all the way home.
*‘Do you know what it’s like to want to hold on even tighter to something you’re already clutching?’*
Jiheon smiled, squeezing the baby-fist-sized tangerine. Hoping that one day, our worries of today would become a cherished memory.
*
The next day.
Jiheon contacted Jinseo, as he did every day.
– *You’re in class, right? Pay attention, and make sure you eat lunch. See you later. I’ll come pick you up.*
Jinseo. Contacting her at 12:00 PM was his long-standing habit.
– *Yep. See ya later!*
The reply, hurriedly typed in the middle of her rush, contained a typo. Jiheon chuckled at her text. She was cute enough to die for.
There was no time to exchange long text messages with her. She had to focus on class, and I had to prepare for the proposal.
The ring was ready, and I had to stop by the flower shop to pick up the flowers I’d ordered. I had to clear out the trunk of my car so I could fill it with flowers. I also had to dress sharply.
As I was choosing a suit, my phone vibrated. It was my mother. Jiheon let out a deep sigh and answered the phone.
“Hello.”
[Are you busy?]
“Yes. A bit.”
At Jiheon’s short answer, he heard his mother’s sigh on the other end.
[How could you just show your face and leave yesterday? Without even a moment to talk to Mom.]
The reason I had left in such a hurry from Jinseo’s house yesterday was because of family business. I had to escort my mother, MR. Yeong-gwang Park’s wife, Youngmi Jang, to a charity event.
I have to play the role of a devoted son at least once a year. If I didn’t keep my mother in a good mood, I ran the risk of being bothered for the entire year. However, yesterday, Jiheon’s mind was too preoccupied to properly escort his mother. I only showed my face for appearances and left the venue.
“I’m sorry. I had something urgent to attend to.”
[Are you okay today? Your father is coming home early today, so come over, play a game of Go with him, and have dinner.]
“Uh… I’m a bit busy today.”
[Busy again? What are you so busy with?]
“I’ll tell you later.”
[Is it something you can’t talk about now?]
“Is everything okay? Are you feeling well?”
Jiheon didn’t want to talk about the trivial details of Jinseo, so he changed the subject.
[I’m fine, but I heard your brother was terrorized the day before yesterday. Someone threw eggs at his car.]
My mother’s voice was dramatic, as if the eggs had been hand grenades.
“It wasn’t Brother who was attacked; it was his car.”
[Regardless, it’s horrible. Do you know how anxious your mother is?]
“Brother is the one who will become the group’s representative. Tell him to be more careful.”
[Would he listen to me? Honestly, where would I find the energy to worry about Jeong Ji-Tae? I don’t even have the time to look after my own biological son.]
Jeong Ji-Tae, the Director of Strategic Planning at Seryeon Food. He was Jiheon’s half-brother. A talent who would one day succeed their father as the head of the group.
Because of his brother, Jiheon was able to live relatively free from his father’s interference. His mother disapproved of it, but to Jiheon, his brother was someone to be grateful for.
“Don’t worry about me and get some rest. I’ll stop by soon. I have a friend I’d like to introduce to you.”
[What? Who?]
“I’ll contact you later.”
Jiheon hung up the phone hurriedly after throwing out a topic that would make his mother full of curiosity.
If the proposal succeeded, I would have to tell my parents. My mother might be disappointed for a moment, but I was certain she would grow to like her quickly. My mother, who had been my father’s secretary, said she had many ups and downs before they could marry. So, she would understand Jinseo’s situation.
Jiheon checked his appearance in the mirror, put the ring case in his pocket, and left the house. I wanted today to be a perfect day. Thinking of a few hours from now made me nervous yet incredibly excited.
Jinseo. Our child will be truly beautiful. The new life I hadn’t even confirmed yet filled me with mysterious emotions. I found myself full of things I wanted to do for the baby that would be born someday.
I’ll let them be the first to step on the snow that falls overnight.
I’ll let them watch the stars emerge.
I’ll teach them how to ride a bicycle.
I’ll hold their hand.
I’ll protect them.
I’ll look them in the eye and tell them I love them.
It felt as if my heart had already sprouted fingertips from this emotion I was feeling for the first time in my life, and my chest kept tingling.
Jiheon headed down to the underground parking lot and walked toward his parked car. Each step was heavy yet light. The appointment was at 3:00 PM. I didn’t know why my steps kept quickening when I had plenty of time.
Suddenly, a car parked nearby blocked his path. The car’s headlights flickered on, shining brightly. While Jiheon lifted his hands to his face, blinded by the glare, the car surged toward him.
*Gasp.*
I desperately threw my body to the side, but it wasn’t enough to dodge it. The car, racing like a mad dog, hit Jiheon head-on.
*Thud!*
*Screech!*
Struck with the force of a thunderbolt, Jiheon’s body rolled over the bumper, slammed into the windshield, and was thrown aside. It happened in an instant.
Flashes of light erupted before my eyes, and the world blurred in a heartbeat. I could feel the hot liquid flowing from my body soaking the floor.
*No.*
*Jinseo. I have to go to you.*
Against my will, my body… I couldn’t move. An agonizing pain, as if my body were being torn to shreds, washed over me.
As my consciousness blurred, I heard the sound of a car door opening, followed by footsteps. *Thud, thud.* The footsteps stopped in front of me. Jiheon couldn’t even lift his head.
*Save me. Please, save me.*
He screamed it dozens of times in his heart, but he couldn’t make a sound. However, the person who had caused the accident didn’t even think to save Jiheon; instead, he asked a strange question.
“…Have you ever heard that name?”
What?
It was as if he had lost his hearing, too; the man’s voice sounded muffled and distant. After tossing out a useless question, the man left Jiheon behind and got back into his car.
With the sound of the car driving away, the breath of this world grew faint for Jiheon as well. His body felt cold, as if the grim reaper had arrived.
He struggled, straining to twitch his body. He felt the edge of a ring case catch on his fingertips.
He thought of his lovely lover, whom he had intended to cherish for many days to come. Her long hair, swaying neatly like cosmos flowers. Her fair face. Her large eyes that turned into half-moons when she smiled.
*You are someone who smiles so beautifully.*
“Jinseo.”
The thought that she would cry so much made his heart feel like it was being torn apart, too.
*I wanted to treat you better. I wanted to treat you so much, much better.*
*I wanted to live happily with you for a long, long time.*
*Will you give up on the child because of me?*
*Yes. It will be hard to raise a child alone.*
*But I understand.*
*I love you, Jinseo.*
Why did I hold back those words?
Why couldn’t I express them more?
At the end of his life, shrouded in a dense black fog, Jiheon sobbed desperately.
*I’m sorry, Jinseo.*
*I love you….*