“It’s irreversible. No matter how much I try, nothing changes. How am I supposed to overcome this? How am I expected to live in a hell like this?”
Behind the grinding of teeth, his huddled form was hoisted up violently. As the sheet fell away, his face was revealed. My breath hitched. His forehead was stained red.
“Your forehead….”
He snatched my hand as it hovered in the air. He grabbed my face—the face that was staring at him in shock—and squeezed hard. My long bangs were pushed back.
Instinctively, I shoved him away. *Don’t do this! Stop it!*
“Let go!”
“Look at me!”
He tried to pin my wrists, and I twisted my body to escape. We struggled until I tumbled onto the bed, and he quickly mounted me, determined to keep me held down.
My bangs were hopelessly tangled, leaving my face exposed. *Don’t look. Please, don’t look at me.* I beat at his shoulders, trying to shove him off, but it was useless. As I writhed to escape, he grabbed my face again.
His dry fingers gripped my hair, as if to tear it out. When I groaned from the stinging pain, he pressed his face close to mine and shouted.
“Look at me!”
I opened my eyes and met his.
Our ragged breaths mingled. Seeing his clouded emerald eyes, I remembered: he was blind.
*That’s right. This man can’t see me.* A wave of relief washed over me.
“How am I supposed to live like this? With what, exactly? Do you think you know my heart? Do you know the fear of seeing nothing? Could you possibly understand the suffocation of not knowing if the person in front of you harbors goodwill or poison? If they are trying to harm you or protect you!”
His milky eyes were filled with malice. His hands trembled against my skin. It wasn’t fear; it was resentment.
“My life is a failure. There is no light left for me.”
He was lamenting his own misfortune.
“If you try….”
He scoffed. *So that’s all you can say, too.* His eyes were clouded with disappointment.
“‘Stay strong,’ ‘You can do it,’ ‘If you try, you can overcome it.’ I don’t want to hear that crap anymore. In the end, it’s just noise. You say it so easily because you aren’t blind like me. Don’t say ridiculous things. My eyes will never see again.”
I felt his rage in every word he spat out. His frantic breathing was laced with terror.
“So what am I supposed to try for? What can a cripple who can’t even see his own hand do…?”
His face twisted into something sorrowful—like a child left alone in an empty room. Why was he so miserable despite his wealth, honor, and privilege? I could gauge his sorrow, but I could not truly understand it.
He was right. In the end, I was just an outsider.
“So you intend to die? Like this, alone, shriveling away?”
“Is that so wrong? Between life and death, one is allowed to choose death, isn’t it?”
“I suppose so.”
“…….”
I raised my hand and gripped his wrist. His skin was still cold.
“You are free to choose.”
I could have spouted hollow, pretty words, but his suffering ran too deep. It would have been arrogant to try to comfort him.
“Reality isn’t a fairy tale. People say God only gives burdens one can bear, but I don’t believe that. It’s unbearable, isn’t it? Whether or not to keep enduring—that choice is your freedom. You are exercising that freedom, so there is nothing I can do.”
“…….”
“Just let me know before you die. I don’t want to have to clean up a corpse suddenly.”
I need time to prepare myself, too.
I pulled his hand away and pushed his chest. This time, he gave way easily. I slipped out from beneath him.
The moonlight outside was still bright. I wanted to show it to him. But even if I opened the curtains, that light wouldn’t reach Vincent.
“I will stay by your side until then.”
When I turned back, Vincent looked dazed.
“You aren’t afraid of me, are you? You can kill me whenever you want. As I said, if I die, there is no one to take revenge. You don’t have to worry.”
“…….”
“And one more thing, Master: you are wrong. Sometimes, a world where you can see is even more terrifying.”
Like a mother who abandons the child she bore; like my younger siblings, beaten to death by their father, starved, or sold into brothels by their own flesh and blood.
And like my own life.
“You have so much, Master. You have a tomorrow. Why don’t you try, just a little, while you still have breath? So you can live at least one day more pleasantly.”
“……It’s all… a futile effort.”
“I’m not asking for much. Just act as if today is your last. Eat your meals on time, take a warm bath, put on clean clothes, and get some fresh air.”
“…….”
“If you get scared, you can run away again. You have a place to hide, don’t you? You can hole up in here, and once you’ve calmed down, you can come back out. You have wealth, power, and a grand mansion. What are you so afraid of?”
“Everything… is terrifying. The wealth, the power, the attention, this mansion.”
“It’s better than having nothing.”
At least you can run away.
“Master, you are mistaken; a life without those things is far more terrifying.”
I had seen others like him. A newborn blind baby abandoned by its parents; an old man whose eyes were gouged out by disease; a young breadwinner blinded in an accident. They lived in eternal darkness, too. But they couldn’t afford to huddle in a comfortable room.
They had to labor to survive. To them, hunger was far more terrifying than the dark. They endured contempt, criticism, and mockery, begging for scraps just to breathe one more day.
Everyone lives in their own hell.
“If you stack the efforts one by one, change will come. Just like how light shines into this dark room.”
“…….”
“Did you know the moon right now is incredibly beautiful?”
Beautiful enough that I want to show it to you.
If he saw it, maybe he would stop thinking about dying.
Vincent did not lift his head. He wrapped himself tightly in the sheet again. I reached out and lifted his face. A sliver of moonlight seeped into his clouded emerald eyes.
Beautiful.
His eyes sparkled, catching the lunar glow.
It was the first time I had looked at someone this closely. Because people looked at my face as if it were a horror, I always kept my head down. My sister, Alicia, would give me looks of embarrassment. My father would click his tongue. I was terrified of meeting anyone’s eyes. That was why I never cut my bangs; my hair kept my ugly face hidden.
But now.
“Don’t lower your head.”
My heart pounded. *Wouldn’t it be okay? He can’t see anyway.* I could be honest. For the first time, I looked into someone’s face up close.
So that as much as his emotions reached me, mine could reach him.
“This is the real thing.”
I stroked his red-stained forehead. His skin was torn and bruised. Perhaps he had banged his head against the wall because his nightmares were so terrifying, or perhaps he just wanted to feel the reality of pain.
“Have courage.”
Even if it doesn’t please you, I intend to try. Anyway—
1.
There was no way back from the moment I was sold for gold coins.
Alive or dead, I was to remain here.
By the side of this blind Master.
In secret.
His emerald eyes wavered with confusion. Then, slowly, his trembling fingertips cupped my face. His misaligned gaze gradually shifted and locked onto me.
Our eyes met.
“You…”
In an instant, a forceful tug whipped my face to the side. Before I could even manage a confused “Huh?”, my vision flipped. My body hit the floor. *Thud!* A familiar, sharp pain surged through the back of my head.
…What is happening?
I lay on the floor, blinking. I had been here before.
“I’ve felt it since last time, but you talk way too much.”
His voice was calm. I pulled my dazed mind together and sat up. He was already lying back in bed, covered in the sheets exactly as before. There was no trace of the man who had been trembling from a nightmare.
“Did you not hear me tell you to watch your mouth?”
He added a calm warning.
His usual foul temper had returned. For a moment, I wondered what kind of situation this was.
“Be careful next time.”
“…I will be more cautious.”
So, his rotten personality was back in full swing.
Rubbing the back of my head, I glared at his composed expression. He narrowed his brows slightly.
“Stop looking. Before I pull those eyeballs out.”
At least he was sharp about things like that. Following his warning, I lowered my gaze. My energy drained away. I slumped my shoulders and wiped my face with both hands.
I watched him bury his face in the pillow before I stood up. I had taken just one step toward the door.
“Where are you going?”
“Ah, I’m going back to my room.”
“Why?”
“Pardon?”
“You said you would stay until I calmed down.”
“I think you’ve calmed down enough.”
“Not at all. Someone kept saying they would stay by my side, and now my heart is still racing. I’m scared.”
“…”
No, I said those things to be kind! I felt a surge of resentment, but I clamped my mouth shut, remembering who the man in front of me was.
“Stay here. Until I fall asleep.”
“Yes, yes.”
I answered insincerely, and he scowled immediately. Ignoring him, I sat back down on the floor and stared at the moon between the curtains, imagining myself beating him up in my head.
The sound of steady breathing rose from behind me.
The silence of his returned peace lasted for a long, long time.